I’d like a do-over, please
My grandma died this week and it’s making everything else seem so much worse than it is. My lunch got ruined yesterday when I didn’t notice I was putting my soup into a mysteriously unplugged staff refrigerator until three hours later when I had to throw away all of everyone’s food that was in it. I had to go to a program 45 minutes away and used the last few minutes before I left to toast some bread to eat in the car. Except the damn toaster oven was set to OFF instead of TOAST, which I didn’t notice until the timer dinged and I had to have bread and butter for lunch. On my way to my car I was thinking about how my baby will never meet her great-grandma and cried frustrated tears about mortality and my ruined lunch.
I don’t think I’ll ever, EVER stop worrying about my baby. We realized last week that she’ll be terrifying us her whole life by virtue of the fact that we’re her parents and want to protect her but can’t possibly anticipate or shield her from every potential malady. And besides, so much of what we’re inclined to worry about won’t come to fruition, no matter how much it tempts us to freak out over its scariness.
I seem to be experiencing all my pregnancy aches and pains earlier than anyone else does, I’m guessing since I’m a midget with a super short waist. It’s happened twice now where I’ve described a persistent pain (rib pain to my midwife at 16 weeks, and SPD to our Bradley instructor last night at 24 weeks) and gotten the response “wow, that usually doesn’t happen this early…” Guess I’m just LUCKY!! But then I feel bad complaining because overall I love being pregnant and when one of my coworkers with grown children yesterday told me she still misses the feeling of her babies moving in utero I realized that I have to enjoy this state of being as much as I can.
So tomorrow I’m going to haul this embiggening body to Michigan. Jed’s working crazy hours right now to make it possible for him to take a single extra day off. We won’t arrive until super late Thursday night. My grandma’s funeral is on Friday morning and we have to come home on Friday because we both work on Saturday and there’s really no way out of either workplace, but especially not Jed’s. We’re missing the viewing. And I hate not having the flexibility that allows one to properly attend to the celebration of life and end of suffering for a loved one.
Also? I cleaned my kitchen twice on Monday, we were collectively out of the house yesterday for almost 16 hours, and my kitchen is a mess. How does that happen?
Can I get a do-over on this week? I’m exhausted and it’s only Wednesday. I think so far the best thing that’s happened is that I got new pillows yesterday to prevent me from accidentally sleeping on my back, my formerly favorite and now painful-and-not-good-for-me-or-the-little sleeping position.
